Help me understand…
Posted by: Kathy on: April 22, 2008
A recent wordpress blog talked about a funeral procession in Knoxville, the day before Mother’s Day, to remember all the babies that have been killed by abortion. The author of this blog is extremely pro-abortion, and uses emotional language that is designed to raise the hackles of fellow liberals.
I’ll talk more about other parts of the post later, but I’m just plain confused (and quite sickened) by some of what she had on this blog.
She complains about there being no crosses or funerals for women who die of pregnancy-related complications, nor for babies who die from inadequate health-care. But here’s what’s confusing to me — the answer seems to be to kill all these babies before they’re born, to prevent some of them from dying after they’re born. Why is it better to kill them prenatally? I just don’t get it.
She also says that adoption is emotionally harder on women than abortion. The reasoning behind this according to her post, is that carrying a baby to term, terminating parental rights, and then wondering for the rest of your life if the baby is going to track you down in the future is somehow harder than living with the knowledge that you murdered your innocent unborn child.
There was a link to another website that said that there is no “adoption vs. abortion debate.” The reasoning behind this is that they are two separate decisions — to have an abortion or to give birth; once women choose to give birth, then they are faced with the choice of keeping their baby or giving them to adoptive parents. That sounds like splitting hairs to me. Yes, technically, those are separate choices; but the reality is that most girls and women will not make that distinction. The choices are to abort the baby, raise the baby, or give the baby up for adoption. Yes, some mothers will decide to give the baby up for adoption, and then change their minds after the baby is born. But the decision to have an abortion is permanent. Check out the South Dakota Task Force Report on Abortion, page 55, which compares and contrasts the procedure in that state for a birth mother to terminate her rights to the typical procedure for a mother to terminate her baby.
The title of this post is “help me understand,” but in reality, I don’t really want to understand the mind-set of abortion advocates.
3 Responses to "Help me understand…"
April 22, 2008 at 2:01 pm
I basically came to say what Nicole already hit upon.
What page 55 of the report fails to talk about is the fact that open adoptions are not legally binding in all states. Therefore, there are no guarantees that a mother who thinks she will have a relationship with her relinquished child post-placement will see that come to pass. There are no guarantees that the child will search for her upon adulthood either. Furthermore, where it says that the state regulates adoption? I choked on my own laughter. To a point, yes. But you would not believe the unethical and flat out illegal things that are happening under the radar of state officials. Reforms in adoption are so needed before mothers and children are actually protected and respected by the system. As it stands right now, both mothers and children are being taken advantage of and for granted.
You can pass this off as an angry or hostile comment or you can begin to research the realities of adoption. It’s not the answer to the “abortion problem.” It’s got its own set of problems and is an entirely separate issue.
May 7, 2008 at 6:29 pm
Nicole and Jenna,
As a mother of two, I cannot imagine the loss that women must feel when they give their babies up for adoption. I do not think that adoption is problem-free, nor an easy solution. The original blog I read was basically making the point that because *some* women don’t regret their abortions and *most* women regret giving their babies up for adoption, that abortion is better than adoption. I tend to personalize things. In reading that, I instantly thought of all the people I know who are adopted, and it was as if this woman was saying they were better off dead, or it would have been better had they been murdered prenatally rather than live. It was as if she had put a gun to their head, or erased them from existence. Because I stand against what this woman wrote, I made the mistake of discounting what the article she linked to said. It still bothers me that babies were discussed so cavalierly, and the tone was cold, distant, and removed. I don’t discount the negative side effects of adoption, nor the emotional toll that it must take on mothers. But I don’t think that it trumps the baby’s right to life — which was the point of the blog against which I was ranting.
I have thought about your comments quite a bit, which is why I have taken so long to respond to them. I don’t want you to think that your comments fell on deaf ears. I can now see that for most women, they make a choice between two options, whether that is between raising the baby and adoption or abortion. There may be those who choose between three options (as was depicted in the movie “Juno”, from what I’ve read about it — I didn’t see it); but I will accept the statement as fact that women who have no moral qualms with abortion will have one. But I think that is very sad.
I will say this — I think that no one can be as good a mother as a birth mother. Adoptive parents can be good and loving, but they can’t replace you. Two years ago, my friends adopted a baby. The birth mother had hidden her pregnancy from her family, and scheduled a C-section so she wouldn’t go into labor. She went to the adoption agency just a few days before her C-section — my friends didn’t even know they’d have the opportunity to adopt until the day before! She didn’t even want to know the sex of the baby. While I am glad for my friends that they were able to adopt a baby after so many years of infertility, whenever I see the baby (who is just a few weeks younger than my baby), it makes me sad, because I wonder about his mother. I wonder if she regrets it yet; if she’s curious if she had a boy or girl. I also wonder if he somehow knows. The biological connection is very strong — everything I know about pregnancy and childbirth tells me that. And I wonder if he misses her.
Now, I’m rambling so I’ll close, but you can rest assured that you’ve given me food for thought.
Thanks for the comments.
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Fight FOCA
April 22, 2008 at 5:15 am
“The reasoning behind this is that they are two separate decisions — to have an abortion or to give birth; once women choose to give birth, then they are faced with the choice of keeping their baby or giving them to adoptive parents. That sounds like splitting hairs to me. Yes, technically, those are separate choices; but the reality is that most girls and women will not make that distinction.”
As “one of those girls,” I can assure you that you’re wrong. Women who do not have moral qualms with abortion go ahead and have one. Women who are uncomfortable with abortion either parent or relinquish for adoption. MOST of us who have relinquished a child would not have aborted if adoption was unavailable… we would have PARENTED.
I’ve never had an abortion, so I cannot and will not speak to the pain of that. What I will say is I know women who have an extremely hard time after an abortion; women who have an extremely hard time after relinquishing a child; and women who don’t feel much impact after having an abortion.
What I don’t know are women who have very little impact after placing a child for adoption. There are some who will claim it has not affected them, but within a decade or two (these days, often much earlier) they usually end up breaking out of those walls of denial.
As a result of relinquishing my child in 2001, I developed post-traumatic stress disorder and suffered suicidal depression. This from a completely open adoption.
That’s not to say I hate my life. But I do hate that I relinquished my daughter, I do hate being a “birth mother,” and I do hate that I turned over my little girl to complete strangers when she was a defenseless newborn.
Adoption is in no way an easy solution, not for the mothers, and not for many of the adoptees.